Mother’s Day has never been an easy day for me, but being Motherless on Mother’s Day is all I’ve ever known. While everyone else is busy doting over their moms – buying them flowers, gifts and professing their love for them on social media, this day has always been a reminder of the empty space in my heart.
It’s not something I can easily describe to someone who has been blessed to have their mom nor is it something I can sum up in a couple words to help you to understand. I always thought of this day as such a sour reminder, and now that I am a mother myself it burns even more when this day comes around. I’ve missed out on having her around my whole life but I grew to miss her much much more when I became a Mother.
Who do I turn to for mommy advice or a listening ear? Yes, there are other women in my life – but that’s what Moms do! They give you unbiased advice and somehow manage to make everything better. I long for that lady who makes everything better in my life. I long for that lady who would dote over my daughter and spoil her rotten. I long for her company and reassurance when I lose my cool with something my daughter does – so she can tell me quirky stories of the annoying things I did when I was that age.
I look at the love I have for my daughter – the most unconditional love I’ve ever experienced – and to know that the person that loved ME the way I love her is no longer here leaves quite the hole in my heart. I wish she was here to see me grow and blossom as a mother. I wish she was here so I could be irritated by her advice, while secretly grateful for it.
There have been countless times that I wished I could pick up the phone and say “Mom, I need your help,” but that’s not possible.
So if today you feel like me, empty and don’t have your mom to call on Mother’s Day, for whatever the circumstance – whether you lost her by death, or maybe she’s alive but she has never been there for you emotionally – I want you to know that you are not alone and you do not have to fill just one role. You can cry like a child for her. You can miss the hand you no longer get to hold today even while you hold the hands of your children. I know if you feel anything like I do, you can’t escape thinking about how you would have spent this day with her because Mother’s Day is a day of honour, and honour is about both celebration and remembrance.
Remembering all the Mom’s in heaven – today and every day.
Ariana Tang is a fresh new mom blogger on the scene. She writes from her heart and opens up about her journey with grief. Losing your mother to suicide at 18 months old is not easy. With no example of what a mother/daughter relationship looks like, how do you know what to do? Be sure to follow her journey on Facebook and Instagram or read more of her story on her blog