I’ve hardly ever f*ck for f*ck’s sake.
So what motivates me as a woman to want to have sex? Is it the desire for Love, lust, desire for attention, desire for security, excitement, or comfort? Or a mixture of some, or all? Or maybe I just wanna f*ck?
It’s after ten in the night, rain is falling and I am in bed. Bored, lonely, frustrated and wishing there was someone next to me. I listen to the rain pounding the roof, my hair pores raised, I’m feeling cozy but yet something is missing….
But is it really sex I’m pining for? I said I was bored, lonely and frustrated, right? Maybe the “wishing there was someone next to me” part that follows is actually due to those emotions.
This is one of the reasons why I decided to avoid the act of “sexual intercourse” (as defined by the former US President) for the entirety of 2018. This is one of the reasons behind my “year of celibacy”.
After some introspection and soul searching, I realized that I may have sometimes used sex as a crutch… no pun intended. I’ve had sex when I was excited, bored, experiencing negative emotions, or feeling low and wanting to connect with someone.
So I decided to “take away the crutch” and see how I deal with these emotions by myself.
For the first few months it was mentally difficult alone. I found myself listening to stories of my close friends’ sexcapades, feeling like wow, I’m missing out.
By June it became physical.
Sometimes, I laid awake at night, surfing adult websites on my phone, listening to fake moans of fake pleasure.
I knew this wasn’t it. I felt dirty and desperate.
The hunger had moved from the mental to the physical plane, manifesting as knees pressed tightly together in public transportation, scenes from the previous night’s movie replaying in my mind.
Then it happened.
The exact scenario I had feared since November of last year when I decided to be celibate in 2018.
I met someone.
Someone who I feel very attracted to and comfortable with, emotionally and physically.
And all of a sudden, with roughly 4 months to complete my year of celibacy, I am torn. Torn between honouring my commitment and following my heart libido.
I feel selfish, childish, even a bit hypocritical. After all, I’m not a virgin.
What if he is silently judging me, wondering why he has to wait. What if he gets fed up waiting and makes a tack back to his ex.
What if he is walking down the road, and he meets someone who is hot and ready and they skip away together into the sunset.
I know, I know it is very pathetic to think those kinds of thoughts. But I am only human. I have human fears, and human insecurities.
And what this is teaching me is that not only have I gotten used to using sex to satiate my emotions as I mentioned earlier, but this final hurdle is illuminating the fact that I may have unhealthy notions about sex.
Deeply embedded, subtle but unhealthy nevertheless. Because it is unhealthy to have sex with someone just because you want them and you don’t want anyone else to “get” them. It is unhealthy to have sex with someone just to try to prevent them from going back to their ex. (Not just unhealthy but also incredibly stupid and naive)
Self reflection and growth is incredibly difficult, because it is more than posting “deep” quotes on Instagram and sharing motivational videos on Facebook.
It is more than declaring to your besties that you are avoiding toxic people. It means looking within yourself, lifting the plasters, healing the wounds and dealing with the scars that have contributed to the person that you are today.
I am not perfect, and I don’t aspire to be. (It sounds pretty boring anyway). But my decision to be celibate has helped me to discover certain things about myself, and have forced me to take a deeper look within.
I’m still not sure if I will “last” the rest of 2018. But I am sure that when I do break the spell, it will be because I genuinely want to, not because of loneliness or fear or wanting to “hook” someone.
(As told by Dawn)